El Scott Harrell

President Barack Obama's Immigration Fairy

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a Maryland immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children."

The man told the fairy. "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder.  "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.  I want to bring them all over here."

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand. 

"Yes, one more wish.  I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Americans."

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed.  "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said "Tough shit, Mac, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself." And she disappeared.

Sometimes, You Just Cannot Win!

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God With no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.  Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.  By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.  By the way, there was $4 missing.  I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

An Athiest Holiday

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming holy days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.  The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.  The case was brought before a judge. 

After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling, saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do.  Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.  Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'  Thus, it is the opinion of this court that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool.  Therefore, April 1st is his day.  Court is adjourned."  
.

Invitation to an Alaskan Christmas Party

Tom had been in police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."

"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking."

"Not a problem." says Tom, "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem!" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months. I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
.

You May Be Taliban if...

12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

 9.   You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

 8.   You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

 7.   You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

 6.   You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

 5.   You think vests come in two styles:  bullet-proof and suicide.

 4.   You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

 3.   You have more wives than teeth.

 2.   You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

 1.   You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
.

Chalk One Up for the Blondes...

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher. 

One morning, on his way out to the fields, the rancher says to her,"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

The wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,"This is the one, right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady,'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

She turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
.

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life:  WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and it does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
.

Funniest Cop Car Video Quotes

Quotable Cops: The following were taken off of actual police car videos from around the country...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and step in monkey shit."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? .. You're right, we don't. ... Sign here."

My favorite police quote has always been a bumper sticker I saw on a cop car that said, "Smile.  I could be behind you."

To My Two New Best Friends, Jeff and Elphaba

It has been getting a little too serious in El Scott Harrell's world lately and it's about time to lighten up:

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you've been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party'

God save the liberals!  Who else would we have to make fun of and not be arrested for a hate crime while doing it?

The Politics of Medical Care

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on:

The first surgeon, from New York, says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up everything inside is numbered.”

The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, “No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong.  Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine and the head and the ass are completely interchangeable.”
.