El Scott Harrell

The Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.  Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.  Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?'  'My wife's.'  'What happened to her?' The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.' 

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?' The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Go to the end of the line.'

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Welfare & Public Assistance Versus the "Whiz Quiz"

(I sure would like to know who wrote this one! They deserve a HUGE pat on the back!)

I HAVE TO PASS A DRUG TEST FOR MY JOB... AND I HAVE TO AGREE 100%

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test (urinalysis) with which I have no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ASS, doing drugs, while I work. . .

Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

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For All of You Animal Lovers Out There! Ahhhh...

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
 
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
 
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
 
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
 
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.  Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
 
It probably wasn't the same elephant. 

This was for all of you who send me those warm hearted stories via email and blog comments.

United States Postal Service USPS Priority Mail Service: Voodoo on You!

It took 1 year and 11 days for a priority mail flat rate envelope I sent out to a private investigator continuing education client to be returned to me as "undeliverable; attempted unknown."

Yep.  The postal service put such a priority on my mail that it either took them 376 days to attempt to deliver the package in the first place or over a year to return it to me.

So I visited my local Postmaster in an attempt to find out what happened and perhaps get a refund on the $4.60 I spent for priority mail handling and delivery confirmation services and all I got was, "Wow! Something went really wrong there didn't it?"

He admitted that both the "to" and "from" addresses were valid and properly formatted and suggested that I call the post office in Corpus Christi, Texas as a follow up to my visit with him.  Of course, the delivery tracking number was too old to be of any use either.

As to the refund request:  "Priority Mail usually arrives in 2 to 3 business days but delivery times are not guaranteed.  Services have been rendered." there was nothing he could (would) do.

I found the entire experience fairly predictable really; the typical government employee deer in the headlights followed by the "I really don't give a crap about your business as long as I am still guaranteed my government pension" attitude is fairly cliche.

voodoo.  vooDOO.  VOODOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Voodoo on you U.S. Postal Service for potentially pissing my customers off, hurting my business and squandering the $4.60 I paid in postage when I could have put an entire gallon of gas in my Ford Expedition for the same amount and gotten the exact same thing: NOTHING and NOWHERE.

Hexpedited mail?  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  That's funny.

Domainers Suck! Voodoo on you.

I hate domainers.  They're like the asshole of the Internet.  I really, really hate them.

Cybersquatters really; they're taking up all the best URLs and clogging up the World Wide Web with crap. 

Take my experience today for example:  So I've decided to create a new blog about phishing and post each phishing email I get for content so I need to find a really good website address, something that kind of fits my character and sense of humor.  So I start the usual search by typing the URL I really want, gonephishing.com, into my web browser hoping to get an error message indicating that the website does not exist and then I could go and register it, but HELL NO- I get one of those typical domainer web pages that has all of the "related searches" links that take you to a Google ad sense page where they hope I'll click on another link and Google or Yahoo will pay them a few cents for the click.

At least this site didn't create a zillion pop-up and pop-under ads and redirect my browser to a penis enlargement or Adult Friend Finder site. 

Domainers typcially rely upon "type in traffic," meaning that they are betting on Internet users to type the exact URL into their web browser in order to land upon the site. 

There is no question about it- some Domainers make A LOT of money but they have to own thousands of premium names or typos (hoping that you'll mis-type or mis-spell a popular website address) but damn... gonephishing.com???

Who'd just type that in, except for maybe me?  I wouldn't be so pissed off if the domain owner at least had the courtesy to put a price tag on it or indicate that the domain is for sale.

So I moved on and have found all of the following URLs are also taken too:

gone-phishing.com
deepseaphishing.com
phishing101.com
flyphishing.com
phishingemail.com
smellsphishy.com
smellslikephish.com
somethingphishy.com
gophish.com
bigphish.com

I could go on and on but it appears useless...

So what's the f'n point of registering gonephishing.com if the owner couldn't hope for even a decent amount of type-in traffic and the domain is apparently not for sale?

Yes, Dear Reader, I'm quite sure that the point is simply to piss El Scott Harrell off and the owner of gonephishing.com, Gregg Ostrick of GNO, Inc. of Birmingham, AL has done just that today. 

Hence today's well-deserved voodoo hex of the moment on Mr. Ostrick, specifically, and other domainers, in general, who own URLs that I have wanted in the past or may want in the future.

voodoo.  vooDOO.  VOODOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Voodoo on you Gregg Ostrick for being a domainer.  Voodoo on you too domainers for registering millions of domain names and posting infinite amounts of useless garbage on web, all so you can make 2 or 3 cents from some moron who takes the bait and clicks on a Google ad sense link.

This search has left me hexausted so I've finally settled on SmellsPhishyToMe.com.  Check it out.

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Little Johnny is not a Barak Obama Fan

A teacher in Elmira, New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Barak Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
 
Little Johnny said, “Because I'm not an Obama fan.”
 
The teacher asked, “Why aren't you a fan of Barak Obama?” Johnny said, “Because I'm a Republican.”
 
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.”
 
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
 
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “That would make me an Obama fan.”